Thanksgiving 2018

It’s almost Thanksgiving and sometimes I’ll admit that I do not feel as thankful as I should. I am grateful for many, many things – good and bad. I try to stay positive but I’m only human and some times pushing those feelings aside catch up with me . The leaves are all turning now and there’s a particular road that I travel down regularly and I always think of you. I still drive with my windows down when I can and I love to put my arm out of the window . To see the sun peaking through the the tops of the trees and the beautiful warm colors of the leaves and smell of fresh autumn air and my thoughts are on you. I breathe in that cool crisp air and think of you and my eyes tear up and I get that lump in my throat . 4 years have passed and so much has changed, the kids are getting older and they’re changing too. Lee & Logan are old enough now to text the boys when they want to come over and sometimes I wake up to them here and never even knew they came lol. It’s nice to see them growing up together but it’s hurts so much at the same time. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of how things would be if you were here. So when those times come and I feel that bitter taste of loss and heartache I think of all the wonderful and amazing years we had together. So we will remember you on Thanksgiving and we will miss you as always but we will be thankful for the years we had with you and take solace in the fact that you are pain free and struggle free and are in your heavenly home with those that passed before you. No one could ever replace you, that place in my heart is only for you . I love you and miss you so much Mandy, forever & always❤️

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8•22•18

I’ve had you on my mind so much lately. For so many different reasons. Right at this moment I have a knot in my stomach and lump in my throat. So many emotions that swirl like a storm brewing, even though we are heading into my favorite season I can’t help but remember you roasting weenies or marshmallows and how you loved your back yard, especially with a bonfire. Knox started kindergarten, that would blow your mind. I remember all the times you would just sit and watch him play so quietly. It’s like you weren’t even there, you just watched. He talks about you so much to not have known you long. His Aunt “Manny”❤️

All the kids are just growing up so fast and it makes my heart so sad that you’re not here to watch. For so long I never thought of “what if’s” but I do now. It’s easier to imagine that maybe we could have done something than to just accept it I suppose. Although I know I gave it my best shot. If ever someone to tried to save another I know I at least did that much. I realize that you were not mine to save, but I thought once upon a time that that is what I was trying to do. I have to believe and I know that it is true that God has infinite wisdom and knowledge and how can I question that? I once wrote that he didn’t take you from us. He had mercy on you and he did. Because I’m sure in your heart you prayed for God to move in any way to keep you from that life and he did. It still hurts and everyday is a day without you. I laugh and joke and live my life but my heart will always miss yours. You knew what I was thinking without me having to say a word. You knew me better than anyone on this earth. No one will ever know me the way you did. I’m realizing how much I have changed since you died, I will never be able to be that person ever again because how can I? Lee and Logan are growing up so much and you would be so proud of them. So very proud.

Olivia has so many of your ways that sometimes I just have to laugh so it doesn’t drive me insane. She stands like you, she does the same things with her mouth and last week she nearly fell off a step and we both know how much you fell!! I miss all of that, the goofiness, your smile and gentle nature. You’d really get a kick out of Knox because he’s so sassy mouthed.

I miss you girl, I miss you so much I forget to take a breath sometimes and I want to cry so bad but I remember more good times than bad and how could I possibly cry then? We had a great run the two of us. Great memories that I will cherish as long as I live. Until then, all my love forever and ever❤️

5.23.2018

Today 16 years ago I became an Aunt to your first child. He looked just like me when I was born and Olivia looked just like you. That’s how connected we were. I’m so proud of Lee and I know you would be so very proud. Yesterday I was talking about you, I can’t remember what it was about. A song or something and my heart felt like it would stop dead in its tracks. When times like that come and the kids will always say that they can’t believe you’ve been gone for what seems like eternity. Not all kids experience the finality of losing someone they loved. Lee has a very quiet, gentle nature like you. He reminds me most of you in a lot of ways. We will celebrate his birthday Saturday and it’s times like these when I wonder what goes through their minds? They’re not as verbal as my kids are and I never know if I’m doing or saying the right things. I just remind them of how much you loved them and I know you did, so very much. I love you and miss you and that pain has not changed. I’m glad, I hope it never goes away because it keeps real what still feels like a bad dream most days. Love that deep is a pain that is rooted in my body. Happy Birthday to LeeLee that first made you a mommy ❤️❤️

1,460 days

I promised I’d never give this day recognition. 1,460 days have passed. 35,040 hours since I last saw you. It still does not seem real, I still can’t wrap my mind around it. The last good memory I have was a Friday the week before you died. You looked beautiful in a baby blue peasant top and linen pants. You seemed so peaceful and you were so quiet. I watched you as you watched Knox toddle around. It made my heart so happy. You just had this sweet smile and I remember feeling guilty and I’m not sure why exactly. I wish I had hugged you a little longer but you were never much for hugging 🙂

I miss you so much. It’s so cruel that time just keeps on passing and people go about their lives like this huge part of us, of me, isn’t here anymore. MaMa passed away April 2nd, something else I never, ever wanted to think would happen but she drifted away slowly . Lee will be 16 next month and Logan will be 13. I always have them a party here with us and let them choose what kind of cake or dessert they’d like. I try to do everything you would want for them and I talk to them about life and choices and I try not to be too intense because you were not an intense person. You were my zen, you always knew what to say to calm my craziness. Now I have no one that knows how to do that the way you did.

I’m sorry, I run out of things to say. At this point I’ve used all the words available to express the pain and longing and sorrow and while I can recall memories that make me smile and laugh it is still bitter to my core. It still makes my throat close up and I forget to breathe and the tears start to flow. I know I will see you again in heaven but even knowing that doesn’t make this life any easier without you in it. Rest in peace Mandy. All my love forever and ever❤️

2•18•2018

It’s been a while, I know. Like I’ve said before, at first the words would roll from my tongue but now I choke on them. It’s so hard to explain , there are so many things (as always) that I wish I could say to you . Lee & Logan are just growing so fast. You know how I feel about that! I’m sure you know all about it because you’re keeping an eye out right?! I’m gonna keep it short , I’ve been listening to a song that I heard at the end of a movie. The movie is not important but the song is(to me). If you could come back to us I think you could share this song with us and we would understand . When I listen to this song, I hear your struggle, I hear the shame and the pain and the misunderstandings. I hear sleepless nights when I know you must have cried yourself to sleep because the struggle was so bad, so raw. I hear all the things you tried to tell us that we didn’t understand. But there were other times when you looked so good and you smiled like my curly headed little sister that smelled like sunshine. When maybe on those days you felt like you weren’t be pushed down but that you were fighting back. More than anything I wish I could hear that from you. That you see our struggles here and you know how much you were loved. How much you will always be loved ❤️ Angie

Here’s the link to the song

https://youtu.be/CqNp-KXiAHo

Another holiday season

2017 holiday season is approaching and I cannot believe it’s been over 3 years. I know everyone speaks about how time flies but when you lose someone so close to you and the days run into weeks, months and years it’s hard to wrap your mind around it.  How does life slip so quietly through like a thief in the night? We grow and laugh and cry and remember and life is happening everyday , constantly moving . As I took the dogs out one last time a few minutes ago I always look to the sky and I had several thoughts.  The sky that I see is one minuscule of what is beyond my sight. So beautiful and it’s because of that still, quiet beauty that my thoughts so naturallly go to you. I feel your presence Mandy , I feel the longing, the sadness and the joy all at the same time. My heart aches because I wish I could share my life with you still. I mourn what your boys are living  without. Things that are happening in my life that I wish I could hear your words of encouragement. To have my sister on my side and tell me it’s going to be ok. Because most days just when I think I’ve got a small grip that I realize I’ve barely scratched the surface. I do not have it all together but I’m trying so hard. I feel like if tears could build a bridge to heaven, I would’ve reached you long, long ago. 

  1. I’m going through some things in life that I  can’t share with just anyone , I miss you so much. I know all the wishing and pleading in the world won’t bring you back but I sure wish it could. I know God’s plans serve far more purpose than I could ever know or  are even meant to know and I have to trust in him and his plans, I do. Even still, my heart will always long for you and mourn for you. I will never stop thinking of you , the turn of the seasons and every other breath . I will always, always, always love and miss you with all of my being. Always.

1000 years couldn’t heal my heart

Please forgive me, it’s been a while but please do not think that it’s because I have forgotten you. So many say that time heals all wounds but they’re foolish. Time does not heal. Time can be very much a pain giver. Each second and minute that goes by, a constant reminder that this cruel world fails to realize that you’re no longer here. 

These beautiful seasons just come and go and time just continues to slip by. I can tell you Mandy that my heart will never mend. It won’t. My life is so incomplete without you in it. So much I wish to tell you and only you. My dreams, and conversations in my head that I have with you, I keep them inside for fear they’ll slip away too. The tears that fall from my eyes tell stories. A lifetime floating away down my cheeks.  I need you in my life so bad right now, no one else can tell me what you would tell me and oh how I accepted your words so easily because it was so easy to do it. You grounded me. I miss you so much. All my love, Angie 

Mandy dearest

It’s June 11,2017. I haven’t been writing regular due to so much that has been going on. Lee had a great birthday. He wanted a blueberry pie(?) so I made him one 😊

Now we are approaching Logans Birthday and I haven’t asked him yet what kind of cake he would like . They’re growing so big and changing so much. You would be very proud of them both! Lee got a very Special band award and Logan was in gt classes this year. I’m proud of them too and I always let them know how very proud you would be and they always say that they know. 

Jenny is spending as much time as she is “allowed” and they LOVE being with her! 

My heart still aches everyday that you are not here. Mom had to be admitted to the hospital and it scares me no matter what because  I’ve lost you and daddy and I need her to hang around some more! I told her to suck it up she’s not going anywhere!

I miss not having you here to talk to about things like this. You’re still the first person that pops in my head when I need to talk. Of course, sometimes I do still talk to you and I’m sure you hear me❤

It’s a little late and I’m kinda sleepy but I love you, I miss you so much. Especially when I look at the sky at night, ugh summer skies are so beautiful . How could I not think of you. I love you and miss you more each day. Angie

You are my sunshine

Driving down the road I notice the sun pouring through the trees like liquid, forming beautiful shadows. I feel the warmth on my face and with  my arm outside of the window feeling the force of air moving it up and down like we did as children. Back then a sunny day, waking up and having moms biscuits with Apple Butter and watching the Smurfs, He-Man, getting dressed and going outside for an adventurous day. Laying on the ground, looking up to the beautiful, cloudless summer sky talking about what kind of life we would have when we were older. How were we gonna sneak snacks into our room that night. Always conspiring against mom  :))

Anything can take me to you. My 1st sip of coffee, a frappe, smell of grass being cut. Quietness. But mostly the sun…. You grilling with your sun hat on 🙂

You almost blew us up once or that’s how I remember it. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. It never, ever fails to be listening to a song and there you are. Just that one phrase or two…

“you should be here, sitting with your arm around me here…”

 

2 days after Christmas 2016

It was a tough Christmas. Olivia cried her eyeballs out Christmas Eve. She was inconsolable. I can’t even find ways to comfort myself so how do I comfort you’re only niece? When I brought your name up on Christmas this year,for the first time since I can remember I saw a look of pure pain rush across Lee’s face . That was gut wrenching.

I had a mental conversation with a pic of you this evening. I must have been so lost in thought because I didn’t feel the tears falling from my eyes until I heard Knox.

Time is cruel and precious at the same time. Olivia cried out what I’ve been crying about all along. How dare time just keeping on! How dare people go about living their lives. It feels like a stage that’s been propped with photos and remnants of a life we scramble so hard to keep alive. How can it be that it feels like eternity and yesterday all at once? With each passing day pushing that life further behind us. Your face feels so alive when I look at your picture, I can almost see you speak to me. How can it be that you’re not here? That we age and grow, we continue to live and love and laugh and cry and you’re forever stuck at whatever memory we struggle to remember. I almost didn’t feel like Christmas this year, I love Christmas and the thought of you with daddy , it just honestly seems …I can’t find the word. I can’t finds words a lot lately. Words that never fall short when thinking of you though are beauty, love, sunshine and laughter, warm and forgiving, and so many more. My heart is like a lighthouse, beckoning for you to see me and for me to do the same. I love you and miss you more every day.